He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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