Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
