She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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