I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
