My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
As shirtless as possible
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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