I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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