Umm I'm too high to move.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
