Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
