Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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