I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
