dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
