You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
