I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
