M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
