Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
