My liver just broke up with me...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
