I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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