True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
