I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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