When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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