You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
