I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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