her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
