Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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