I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
how drunk are you?
Several
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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