Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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