i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
