I wish I could teleport
your room smells of hookers.
And success
nutella sex= disaster
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
