I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
