is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
