My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
