Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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