he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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