you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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