why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
