yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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