Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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