we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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