I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
