you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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