Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
