Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
