I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
