my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
