Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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