when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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