eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
