The best revenge is premature balding
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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