O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
