i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
