You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
