I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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