She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
